Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.  —Jackie Mason

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. —Rodney Dangerfield

Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. —George Carlin

I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. —Richard Pryor

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. —Lenny Bruce

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. —Don Rickles

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! —Jerry Seinfeld

What happens after you die? Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you… —Louis C. K.

We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it. —-Bill Burr

Having women work with men is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon . . . dipped in honey. —Patrice O’Neal

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they’re all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child. —Jim Norton

Little Boy Blue… he needed the money! —Andrew Dice Clay

When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. —Chris Rock

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone… you answer it. —Dave Chappelle

Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent People Ignore. —Albert Einstein

War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that for yourself. —Benjamin Franklin

In the absence of any other proof, the thumb alone would convince me of God’s existence. —Isaac Newton

Muchas Danke to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”

And now, something you need to hear…